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Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail (/showthread.php?tid=100402)Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - LostBeachBum - 07-10-2014
Alright, so Im cruising down the main road the other day on my way back from Negril when I see a check point. I almost always take the back roads but it was very hot and I wasnt thinking clear. Usually I just smile and they wave me by, not today. Cop comes out in the road to signal me over, I drift to the center, not looking at him hoping to whip around him, he came all the way out and made me pull over. JayZ popped into my head about fuck a hywy chase when I got a few dollars to fight the case.
I was stupid on that day and was riding very dirty. Ive been in a weird kind of not giving a fuck mood lately, riding very hard, drinking alot, pushing my limits and taking chances I shouldnt.
Anyway, both cops come over, "wheres your helmet"? "Its too hot man, nobody wears a helmet in Jamaica..." "You have to wear a helet so now youre subject to search". He gets me off the bike and starts to pat me down. Asks if I have any weapons, I nodded to my pocket and said yea ive got a knife. The partners gun comes out, cuffs go on and he takes the knife, saying its an illegal weapon and im going to be charged. Takes me over to the car and starts to search my pack asking me about the knife. Now every Jamaican carries a knife or machete and I carry one all the time in most counries and explain this to the cop. Hes being an asshole and doesnt care.
"Do you have any ganja?" It wasnt exactly stashed so, "yup, its right here" and knodded towards the pocket. I had my Negril survival kit on me. Fresh outfit, towel, toothbrush, deodorant, ganja, hash, rolled spliffs, half flask of rum and bit of something else. Along with rubbers and the vibrating cock ring... The cop is adamit im going to jail. "This is too much mon, just the knife could put you in prison, you have all types of illegal tings here. And you smell like rum and ganja, half the flask is gone. You been drinking and burning ganja, I tink youre a bad man." The whole time im still cuffed, smiling doing my normal cop dance. Admiting and explaing whatever they find, smiles, yessir and no sir. Trying to make them laugh.
Then he finally gets to the last pocket and finds the rubbers and a Trojan vibrating cock ring. He's mezmorized by this fucking thing. And all the sudden all the focus goes to the cock ring, sex and sex toys. He tells me im a freak and calls me a real ragamuffin. Says I go to Negril with all my drugs and sex toys looking for Jamaican women. He wont stop asking about toys, he pats me down again, checks the bike, rechecks my bag, asks me what I else have at my place, "where are the other sex toys??"
With everything found he starts doing some paperwork, going through my passport asking where I stay, when Im leaving, talking about ganja and the sex toys. As I tell him kind of the area I stay in, he accusses me of being a drug smuggler and ganja professional. He looks at all the stamps in my passport and brings his parter over. Theyre both convinced Im a drug smuggling playboy who travels the world preying on women. This actually impressed them because of my size. Lol. The whole time im downplaying everything of course. "Im a chef and just like to party and travel, defintely not a criminal or bad man." Explaining how much money I put into the local economies all over the island and the world. How much I help the poor people in my area. Pleading with them how much an arrest and deportation would destroy my way of life. Being insistent that Ill do whatever it takes for this to go away. Not to mention I really didnt want to go to a Jamaican prison, where this could easily turn into a 6 figure charge to buy my way out.
At this point they both get real serious. "So what do we do about this? We cant just let you go, you have to much mon." The cock ring is sitting on the trunk with other stuff and he picks it up, smells it, asks me, "so what the hell you do with dis?" So I start explaining to these 2 Jamaican cops, one armed with an Uzi, how to use this vibrating cock ring. How much women go crazy for it and what positions are best. I had these guys cracking up. Of course they busted my balls about it being too small for their huge Jamaican love sticks. I told them how it was meant to be snug and all the benifits that come with it.
The guys talked to each other for a second then come over to me. "We like you mon, but we cannot just let you go. You could go to prison, blah blah blah. How are we gonna sort this out?" Point blank I said, "take these cuffs off and you can have whatever ive got on me." They did and of course today, I only had 1300J on me, about $13. Not nearly enough for all the shit they had me on and they made that clear. "Thats not even enough for the ganja mon." Ive had almost $400 lifted off me before during a Jamaican traffic stop before. They wouldnt let me go to the ATM, wouldnt drive me themselves and wouldnt accept any of my electronics or the other stuff. I was nervous and soaked with sweat. Looked like I was getting locked up abroad. But wait, "the cock ring, you guys love the cock ring and I swear youre woman will love you forever if you wear it tonight!" I put all the focus I could on that damn thing and had them laughing again.
So finally after about 30 minutes of this ordeal, he had me throw the $13 on their back seat and the other took the cockring. Then, he gave me everything back and told me how lucky I was that I was so cool and how much I owed them when I see them again. I promised them each another $20 and they could stop me for it when they saw me. I shook both their hands and rode strait back to my hammock to burn a HUGE spliff. I truly feel the Trojan vibrating cock ring kept me out of Jamaican prison and saved me a fortune.
Just another story for "Growing up stoned"...
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - jitterbug - 07-10-2014
omg, you are one lucky dude . . . too funny . . . about the cock ring i mean . . .
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - Westenders - 07-10-2014
Absolutely friggin hysterical, laughing my head off ....
And urghhh sniffing the c*** ring and then accepting it! urghhh.
No one wants a used one of those, but hey it did get you off I do agree...
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - kaycee - 07-10-2014
Cockring passed the ol' sniff test,huh?? Lmao!
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - rootswoman - 07-10-2014
Best road block story ever LBB.
Too funny!
I think your cook book needs to have stories about your travels interlaced throughout it.
Perhaps recipes named after stories -
Its too bad jamaicans don't eat calamari .. or do they?
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - Blues Pirate - 07-10-2014
That is absolutely classic and should be saved under a new category " best trip reports". Priceless and best one I've read in a very long time.
(so tell me, what do the local girls have to say about the cock ring?) Do tell.
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - LostBeachBum - 07-10-2014
For the record, the cock ring was brand new in a wrapper. Theyre disposable and come in a 5 pack. I dont sleep with Jamaican girls anymore so wouldnt know how they'd react, though Im sure theyd go wild. Co-eds seem to appreciate the hell out of them and ive never had a complaint. You cant just pull the thing out either, timing is everything. Also have to feel out the girl first to see how experienced she is. Dont wana shock the poor girl strait off the farm and have her think youre some kindof freak... That was my last one too dammit!
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - Blues Pirate - 07-10-2014
(07-10-2014, 05:19 PM)Thelostbeachbum Wrote: That was my last one too dammit!
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - daniel - 07-10-2014
sorry, but I am laughing my assoff.Got me beat ,and, I have some good ones. so glad it worked itself out, carry on !!!!
RE: Vibrating cock ring kept me out of jail - wendy - 07-10-2014
GREAT story ! I felt like i was there with ya.....MINUS the cockring
